| 006 . . . Day 18 . . . WEDNESDAY |
[Wednesday
January 31st, 2007 ] |
I don't understand. Nights are fleeting, days are fleeting, moments are fleeting. What does truly remain, if all can be swept up and brought to closure before there even given proper end? I.. so much happened Wednesday. I saw Xemnas again, and Darkness overtook this purgatory, and.. and I kissed him. Oh.
Oh.
Dear God, I kissed him and he kissed me back and we undressed and we kissed again and, and my hand was bleeding so badly for some reason I don't remember but we touched. We touched touched, and. It was marvelous.
I'm not in my room and I'm scared. But there's a bed here, and I was in it, and the journal I tore up isn't here but there's a new one, this one, and I think it's fine. I found my picture folded up in it just like in the other, so it's probably my room. The one that Ms. Hill promised me before - well maybe not promised. But I prattle. I want to get up, I want to get out, I want - I need to see my Xemnas again. See if he was just a dream in the Darkness, or if he was real.
He tasted so sweet, I remember.
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| 005 . . . Day 17 . . . TUESDAY |
[Sunday
November 26th, 2006 ] |
Something's not right. I can feel it. Nobody's talking to me, and Ms. Hill hasn't been here today. I found my drawing under my food-tray with breakfast, so I will keep it in the journal for now. I still think it looks nice though - everyone's so happy.. Although I remember now that they didn't used to be. Some of them smiled, but most of them didn't. I wonder if I were one of the smilers.. or not?
( My drawing :) )
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| 004 . . . Day 16 . . . MONDAY |
[Saturday
November 25th, 2006 ] |
and when I awake there will be paper cranes
filling the sky
birds without wings flying freely
on a breeze not mine
Ms. Hill hit me today. I told her I was sorry and she hit me again. Owie owie owie. But then she gave me crayons - a blue one and a black one and a white one and a pink one and a red one and a yellow one - and some paper and told me to draw something nice. So I drew aaall my old friends in a castle and some stars and a moon and a big heart in the sky too because we used to have that I think.
Ms. Hill said it was the noises from the chapel that drove me bonkers yesterday. I told her I was sorry again and this time she didn't hit me but smiled and said that my drawing was nice and that when I move to a room in the hallways I can bring it with me and tack it to the walls if I want to. Then I drew some more until I was out of paper and had to give the crayons back. But I got to keep the drawings; the nurse who gave me lunch told me she was putting them up outside the door so they wouldn't get lost or torn up or thrown away.
After lunch someone brought me a couple of shirts to try on. They had really long sleeves and were pretty big and hard to move around in and then that person made a few things on my back and I was stuck! But it was kind of fun so it was okay and he told me it fit me like a glove and I'd get to wear it all the time when I moved and it's going to be awesome. I can't wait.
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| 002 . . . Day 14 . . . SATURDAY |
[Thursday
November 23rd, 2006 ] |
Saturdays are a little special to me. They're one out of three times a week that I am allowed any sort of time outside as well as any time close to the other males of the institute. Not that I miss company. But standing under the hard beams of scalding hot water, drowning, spluttering, I can still hear their voices in the dressing-room on the other side, beyond the red cubicles and the tiled floor. Once they've rinsed conditioner out of my hair and I'm allowed to put my clothes back on however, all that remains of the others are lingering scents of underlined sweat and shampoo the same as my own. Damp footsteps on the floor speaking of a herd of individuals brought into the room for but a brief moment, and then ushered on their way again.
For some inexplicable reason someone had left their slippers right in the middle of the room, and none of the nurses seemed to have spotted them. I leapt and grabbed them before my own guardians could act, and they had to tear them from me by force. I don't know what inspired me to shriek and bite and claw to keep them, but. I did. They smelled of someone's odours, of feet and old cotton. A most.. personal experience that I've not had for a very long time. Even the nurses don't smell of anything but antiseptics and sterility. I guess they would have to, to remain sane and blended in with the general atmosphere of this place.
Ms. Hill said that she would look through her fingers this once, and told me to continue obeying, continue eating. That maybe next Monday, when it's time for showers, I'll be with the Others. It would be wonderful to see so much skin again.
I asked for a pack of crayons today - I'm not allowed pencils after last time - and some paper. Ms. Hill told me she would consider it. I hope it goes through with the board.
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| 001 . . . Day 13 . . . FRIDAY |
[Wednesday
November 22nd, 2006 ] |
I don't know the name of many nurses, but I know Ms. Hill. She was checking my blood-pressure today when she told me that the others - I'm assuming she means the other souls entombed here - were at Arts and Crafts. Painting with watercolours she told me. I suppose she was trying to make me jealous, make me want to go too. Make me behave so that I could. The horrible thing is that she quite succeeded.
I want to go to the Arts and Crafts room too. I want to cut up some paper. Neat, long strips. I remember how that was an exercise used for children with too much destructive energy. I think I could benefit from it, rather than stand rolling on the back of my heels for three hours straight, just to have something to do.
She said that if I kept quiet, and ate well, and didn't try to escape for the roof for the rest of the week she would have me moved into the group. That I could have a straight-jacket, and be with the others. It would mean company, and routine, and.. security, I suppose. Maybe. Maybe the nights aren't as bad outside this ward. So close to the offices, to the trauma centers. Nothing comes to my room, but outside is different. I sleep through it, most of the time. If something comes at me, I will notice. Or maybe they do, and I don't, and I'm being slowly edged away from humanity each time.
I promised her I'd keep quiet. That I would eat. That I would try not to somehow manage to open the locked door of solitary, bypassing security-gates as if they were regular doors. That I'd try. And, and it's Friday now, and only two days to go, and I'm getting a bit anxious from all this food and the goal so close that it's almost within my reach.
What's a Sun room? Is it like an astrological tower, only for daytime viewing? How large are the libraries? Maybe I am being redeemed, advancing in the hierarchy of the damned, to be allowed out. Yes. I hope so. Maybe some day I will actually be allowed a stairway outside.
For now, may I have a pair of scissors, please?
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hearts_laughter's journal